remember

• fellow person in the store
• same as me, but clearer, more recognizable, at least to me
• she'd helped me at her register some times before
• as i passed by, i saw she was turned toward me, heart seemed open
• i was about to approach, then saw a family at the register
• i balked, went past
• as i did, i realized the family was practically done, but i was headed on to self-checkout
• once there, i felt like, wow, this machine is so much less good than a person
• could feel my energy draining
• could feel my overall brittleness, shakey isolation
• but then felt as if the person was beaming attention my way, maybe support
• "i see you"
• i tried to psychically interact back
• but just words in my head, they felt brittle too, overly polite, or weak, or trying to put up a good show, attempted competent self-sufficient show of adulthood
• just had to sigh
• and accept the attention, the message, imagined or otherwise
• feel my shaking deeper in my bones
• accept that no response was appropriate or needed
• even before i carried my groceries away, felt safer, more nurtured, more content
• then sat in my car resting
• trying to keep the sense awake
• the sense of being seen
• the sense of being known
• the sense of being good
• the sense of being worth caring for